Dreaming of Angkor Wat

Every traveler has a dream destination. It could be the lighted splendor of Paris or the surf and sun of Aruba or the snows of the ever walkable Mount Kilimanjaro. It could be the foliage of New Hampshire's autumn or the scenic coast of California. For me, it was Cambodia.

Ever since I had seen Wong Kar Wai's film In the Mood for Love, I have been dreaming of Angkor Wat. It is a story of yearning, words never spoken and love never expressed, except whispered into a crevice of a stone pillar, and covered with a patch of grass. It was immortalized there, a speck upon the wall, a wall within the temple, a temple within the ancient city, a city within the ruined nation, a nation spinning its bloody history within the world. I believed I would find meaning there.

I never made it to Angkor Wat. Three times I came close, but fate intervened and relegated me somewhere else. Twice in Thailand and once in Singapore, all a stone's throw away from this fascinating country, and I kept missing it. In Bangkok, I somehow always deferred to my traveling companion. Once it was my mother who did not want to witness the aftermath of the Khmer Rouge's massacre. The other time it was my ex, who managed to run out of money for that leg of the trip. In Singapore, it was my health that failed me. Siem Reap was not the place you'd want to be right after major surgery.

In America, we are raised on the bread of manifest destiny. If you want it badly enough and work hard enough, it is sure to happen. Remember the law of attraction? You can bring everything you desire to fruition as long as you keep thinking it. Perhaps if I had pressured my companions or forced myself to go to Angkor Wat despite medical concerns, I would have lived my dream.

The older I get, the less I am convinced that we prevail in this age-old struggle versus nature. Mountain climbers tell me that they choose to climb in the best possible season, fairest weather, and still they would abandon the quest if it got too snowy or too cold. Experience taught them to indulge nature to get out alive. That's also true of life. While effort does help, we don't get our way because of our inveterate awesomeness. We get our way when nature's in a good mood.

I knew better than to keep pushing Angkor Wat. After Singapore, I found myself in Kuala Lumpur instead...